A Special Guest Satire from Betty Bowers, BuzzFlash's Religious Advisor
June 28, 2003
Betty Bowers, "America's Best Christian," dispenses her advice for fellow
"lady Christians" at The Betty Bowers Online Ministry. Betty says that she
is, "So close to Jesus, I returned the lingerie he bought me for
Christmas." Betty is founder of "T.R.A.S.H," Traditional Families Raging
Against Sluts and Homos ("Throw out the heathen Trash!").
With Jerry Falwell all in a titter about the Supreme Court Ruling that
meant that you can't arrest homosexuals for cavorting in the privacy of
their bedrooms -- and with Antonin Scalia clearly nervous that he was
about to outed -- we couldn't think of a better Christian to turn to than
Betty to explain what God is thinking about all of this, and who God has
sex with and all that.
As a result, Betty was kind enough to pen us this confidential member,
which BuzzFlash hopes that you will share with everyone in the non-pagan
world.
A Confidential Memorandum from America's Best Christian, Mrs. Betty Bowers
Not to be disseminated to liberals and other unsaved trash
Dear Fellow Professional Conservative:
Perhaps, many of you think I was rendered inconsolable by the Supreme
Court's Lawrence v. Texas decision, a stinging rebuke to industrious
conservative Christians who employ an artfully edited version of Jesus to
demean people who willfully refuse to cast themselves in my image. I can,
of course, see where a misapprehension like this might arise. No doubt, if
you caught me on Hannity & Colmes fulminating about America's slide into
the depraved abyss that allows willful people to make up their own minds
about how they wish to live their own lives, you might have reason to
think I am angry - even sincere. But don't trouble yourself with
unnecessary anguish on my account. And, please, don't think when leaders
in the conservative Christian community complain about the decision we are
being any more truthful than ubiquitous irritant Jennifer Lopez when she
calls a press conference to bemoan publicity.
For more of Betty's exclusive interview with BuzzFlash.Com, go to:
http://www.buzzflash.com/buzzscripts/buzz.dll/content
